Whose in it?
Who wants it?
Where does it come from?
Where does it take me...
A few weeks ago I offered to help a friend on a project.
Day of,
It came-
and it was hard for me to leave my house.
Things were misplaced.
I couldn't do my hair,
I was experiencing a difficult time,
Physically trying to make it out the door.
I was spinning.
Finally fumbling into the car,
In a sea of my own discomfort,
I said aloud,
"This is why I can't do things..."
The feeling of being-
Overcome,
In a twist,
Out of control...
This zone is not unfamiliar (to me),
Manageable-
at best,
When I am strong enough to tackle,
however,
With trauma-
These ancillary things (for me):
getting dressed,
looking presentable,
putting on a happy face,
*Pretending I care*
all become confounded,
and it is hard-
(for me) to find my bearings.
With time,
I am able to step away,
Come back to clarity,
and recognize,
Things do not change without actual movement.
It is impossible.
The landscape must shift-
As within So without.
Discovery.
In my years I have experienced several uprootings.
Physical Moves yes.
Internal Tatonic Ruptures-
Shifting, Breaking, Flowing, Moving, Chipping, Melting, Sewing, Shaving, Filing-
Also yes.
This is where I am now.
The milieu.
Awareness doesn't make it any easier,
but with time,
and the experience of being 'in it',
Comes an understanding.
Which is encouraging,
And I am reminded,
to be patient-
long enough,
Allowing myelf,
Kindly,
that there is another side,
and I will come out of it,
all the feelings including,
discomfort, isolation, illness, depression,
will sift on down,
to there resting place,
before another gale force wind,
kicks it all up again-
as that is it’s nature.
I have had this pile of stuff-
In the middle of my floor,
With the same roughly 10 groupings in it.
Some to go here-
Some to go there-
Very little to be tossed,
But sit it does.
All in our tiny space.
Limiting movement...
I have not had the energy-
it has taken,
to give it attention.
Attention,
Not time-
(Time will always be the same)...
I am someone who moves in the flow of life,
and because I know that about me,
I seldom have the willing-ness to show up
without first having the energy.
This may be a foreign concept to some,
and to that I understand,
My way,
May seem like an-
Excuse
But the truth is-
I don't care.
I've lived with myself damn near half a century,
On a path of discovering self-
because this is MY life,
And the joy is I get to choose how I live it.
In strength-
Unapologetic
Revival is inspiring.
In it's simplest form,
it permeates,
Externally-
Regeneration pulses in my neighborhood...
A reimagined restaurant opens,
A Wall reborn with Street Art,
Scaffolding removed airing out a dormant sidewalk.
How can I incorporate it in my day to day-
In a way that resuscitates me?
It has to be a practice-
Internally,
I sit, I slow down, I breath.
Reboot.
I have at times questioned,
"Could I walk another walk?"
Have my choices been an impediment to 'achievements'?
Possibly-
If i decide to be lead into the
Whirling the dance of uncertainty-
However,
When I I have the sharpest tin of clarity in my life,
When I am in tune,
Easily,
I am reassured,
Notes of life all around me sing...
'I am right on path.'
So I can choose to feed the wolf,
Doubt, fear, uncertainty...
Self Sabotage.
Or, rather,
Trust, Harvest, Seek...
Understanding.
When I have the strength,
Clearly-
I have always known,
Without a doubt,
The latter wolf works wonders for me.
Maybe not totally feeling ok,
But in that-
I'm doing fine.
Still a wolf-
Feed the beast,
Build the journey.
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