Clarity. Sadness. Acceptance. Patience. Grace. Understanding. Peace.
Letting Go.
What a whirlwind.
I still miss her.
Every moment of Every Day.
She is with me.
I have given in.
Our pictures are new. Minus 1, plus a cpl here and there.
Changing dynamics. Everything Changes.
Crooked. Smile.
I have been forever changed. Heart broken without my Mother.
Also-
I fuck up.
Time no longer makes sense to me.
The moment I realized I missed an opportunity to take my brother to the airport.
A full-blown panic attack. I cried, yelled, could not breath for three straight hours.
I don't mess up. Not like this...
I cried because I did not get to hug him.
Because I wanted some Brother/Sister time.
Even if it was just to sit in silence.
Or make fun of dad.
Or think about Mom.
I cried because he is just so generous of spirit and heart, and I never want him to feel any bit of abandonment.
Or ever having a feeling of being let down.
I cried because Mom's gone and my dog died.
I clinged to Harper begging for him not to leave me.
My dad called.
"Did you forget something?"
As if I wasn't kicking myself just fine on my own.
My brother.
We had discussed and discussed, I knew what I had to do, and yet still...
I must've entered the time wrong.
I woke confused by the garage of texts,
I thought he chose to leave...
It was too hard...
I fucked up.
Could not make sense of it all.
I entered the wrong time, into my alarm.
Even though I had been up since 3.
Why had I not left my fitbit buzz on.
Why did we not back it up on Mike's alarm.
I never do that.
And yet I did.
My brother was on the way to the airport.
Without me.
I didn't get to hug him goodbye.
I didn't get to thank him for all he did.
He so often carries the burden of responsibility in this family.
Has since I was a little girl.
The least I could do, was show up for him.
Never would I want him to feel uncared for.
He's fine.
I am not.
Thats the thing.
He is fully capable, reliable, and resilient.
And I want him to feel loved.
By me.
To never let him down.
The hardest thing was wanting those few brief moments of just him and me.
To the airport together.
With the one person who has known me the longest.
Now that mom is gone-
it's just him and me with this spirit, this energy.
And I miss him.
I miss her.
It's all tied into one.
One year later.
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