It is incredibly important for me to have a means of expression.
Particularly, in this chapter of my life.
I've always been a feeling being person,
willingly diving myself into the core of true thoughts and feelings.
All with the intent of getting and remaining in a place of Peace,
which is a non-negotiable of mine.
Tracking the trajectory of joys and sorrows
has been a valuable process which helps gauge where I stand within myself at any point in time. Even having the ability to label what I am now feeling as "grief" frees me up somehow.
When I was younger, communication at times proved to be somewhat challenging.
Not all the time, but I do recall a period when I was much younger, of throwing my cheeseburger on the floor refusing to eat it because it didn’t have cheese on it.
I had not yet learned how to connect the feelings I was experiencing inside, to a proper form of expression. Nor had I worked that muscle to cultivate a positive system of communicating. Often times I would shut down. Sometimes I would rage.
I had not yet learned how to appropriately thread my emotional experiences.
Eventually I learned to slow down & take a deep breath which would begin to help me process what was happening inside. Then I began to practice a means of calmly expressing myself.
My mother gave me my first notebook, and in just such a simple passage, it had begun.
With time & experience comes a permission to confidently communicate in a clean articulate manner. I like to dig in. Surface talk does not intrigue me. I do not want to talk about the weather or care to hear what someone has been up to. If there is an elephant in the room, let's get dirty. Let's be honest, and let's be kind. Over the years I've had moments of failing or flying. Therapy, and a lot of tears has helped. I am living-moment to moment. Having to know what the end game is has been lifted.
What a relief.
As a creative, being witness to my experiences, has always given me much comfort. Becoming present to them, allowing them then channeling there root into a means of creative expression. All of which has been incredibly gratifying. Even the "painful" or "uncomfortable" experiences are lessons, because for me, there has always been a certain grace in understanding.
Processing thru written word, is familiar to me.
I choose writing to express.
In that I am like my mother.
I thought this process would be a bit more funny.
I guess not quite...
or rather just
...not yet.
I find the way in which I am moving thru my grief is different
from that of my father or brother.
I am much more like my mother in that sense.
Perhaps there is a difference in how male females process emotions,
especially the emotions recognized as "great loss" or "mourning".
I wouldn't know.
I am in my experience.
In that I am allowing them theirs.
I will say,
it makes me a touch sad that they are not more available to talk to about mom.
To tell stories.
To hold her close.
We are all grieving the only way we know how.
Maybe it's too hard for them?
Maybe being across the country from each other is just too far.
I don't feel as though we are allowing ourselves the time to be honest and vulnerable with each other.
Maybe they are fine.
I will say, I thought this loss would bring us closer together.
That hasn't proven to be the case for me just yet.
Perhaps, time will tell.
The connection with my mother however,
Strong as ever.
In her words,
She speaks to me
& thru me, together.
I would not have wanted to go thru this experience alone,
or uncertain where I stand with someone.
I am grateful to be with a supportive, understanding partner,
with whom my mother met & loved.
He is patient, and he is kind.
To have that during this most challenging time, has been a blessing.
Relationships are hard enough outside of all the big picture life things.
I understand now what relationships are.
I have found my person.
For me, things have gotten real clear, real quick.
I would never presume to attempt to understand how this grieving thing works,
or think that there is a standard journey for everyone.
It is a very personal experience.
And I'm wearing it like a blanket.
I came across something a friend shared the other day, and it rang quite true. Struck me actually. I've never really been someone to seek out a support group or listen to others in similar situations. How could someone else's grief or experience help me?
But I came upon it, and I'm glad I did. I was amazed at this woman's poise & grace while sharing her own experience.
I listened.
There are a myriad ways to heal.
What works best for someone, may piss someone else off.
That's the irony.
Regardless, I wanted to share this should someone else need to hear it right now.
Here is a woman who in her own right is a beacon of clarity to others, and holds a platform where people can share their experiences.
In a clean and articulate manner, Nora McInerny shines a light on this process called loss.
I can respect that.
Source: Nora McInerny - TEDWomen 2018
"We don't move on from grief. We move forward with it"
11/12/94
Stick in hand-
In these all to present
absence of words between
us. I offer these pages to
capture your words.
I come to you as empty of
solutions to your particular
circumstance. I just want
you to know:
I'm here,
I care,
I love you forever,
Mom
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