Tillman. A master of relaxation
A reminder of all things grand. For the past week I have been dog sitting. Mostly watching this Guru find his Sun spots,
And learning from him the importance of soaking it all in.
Tillman has a brain tumor that I can surmise is pressing on his ocular context. I could be making that last part up, I don’t know nuthin bout nuthin,
Except what I do know,
And that is-
He’s had eye surgery & needs eye drops and has had
Back surgery, and takes lots of meds. I did not know him, when he was romping in the park,
Chasing cheeseburger droppings or
Squaring off against squirrels,
While gallivanting properly in his hood,
This is the gentleman I have met.
Last night he had a seizure.
Vacancy shadowed in the darks of his searching pressed eyes,
and his body shook. I stayed calm for him, holding him.
Being with him,
Until he came back. And he did.
After those long fourty seconds, I was grateful to know that this was a possibility.
That his brain tumor had been diagnosed,
and I was told he’s had a couple seizures since Christmas.
I was grateful it was me,
And not his owner,
His person who knows him most.
For if I saw that in my own blessed family,
I would have to fight that deepest shatter cuts, struggling to remain calm. The seizure passed,
He came out shook. And when it was over,
we sat together,
and I told him “Everything is going to be OK”
Twenty minutes later -
He was sleeping,
Atop our softened blanket,
In the crook of my feet.
Heal to heel. And today is a new day. He is back to his sun scaping ways. And I sit with him, near him.
Learning from him valiant ways
A being is granted,
The gift of starting over.
I can’t help thinking of the ones we lost. The ones we’ve loved.
Those closest to us.
When their bodily presence leaves a gap so big,
Nothing can ever fill,
Only time can weave us thru. Leaving scar tissue of a heart beat that once was. I can say now-
Without fear or uncertainty…
I’m glad my Moms gone.
Complicated tho that statement may seem on paper in black and white,
Words are never enough,
Or easy to articulate this loss to me so great,
Impossible to break it all down,
In digestible portions that crazy for it ever to, just, make, sense.
I’m not glad she’s gone gone, C’mon,
More like,
Thank God
I don’t have to go thru that again.
I couldn’t.
The loss was/is just…
Too big. As I sit here looking out - not in,
merely three short years later.
Three and a half?
Almost 4? …..
(Well that’s just too long even to fathom)
and it’s only just begun.
Selfishly,
I’m glad I’ve come to acceptance,
and I’m able to feel the sun again.
Because I couldn’t do it all over again.
Tillman reminds me of my boys,
My loves I’ve lost before him.
The span of a lifetime, when dogs make your life seem bigger,
An adventure-
New paths, and restaurants, and road trips, where exploration is new and fun,
Cuz your buddy is right beside you.
Until they get older, and slow down a bit,
and perhaps the World does not seem quite so shiny.
But now every moment is an opportunity,
To slow down, & simply sit, with the ones you love.
In quiet.
In peace.
Together,
Needing nothing more than
Just to hear each other snoring.
I’ve had friends recently that have lost loved ones. Fathers, Siblings, Mothers. and once again, my heart breaks
A new,
For Them. Because that feeling is just so raw.
Being ripped apart to feel,
In a way, that can not be described, or shared,
Unless you’ve been thru it yourself.
And even in that,
Each journey, and timeline all too is so unique.
And versions of a process,
Where individuals,
Eventually…
Surrender to a point,
Where we
Come to a life again, once more. In a new way,
a different way.
For me, sometimes, a slower way.
And I learn from those around me
And today,
Just for the day,
I am grateful to be on
Tillman Time.
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